An All-Time Ranking Of All The Awful Bevvies You’ve Had At Festivals
Going to a festival, spending the majority of the day lining up for the toilet and drinks whilst simultaneously complaining about the sound quality of the music is integral to the Australian festival experience.
We’ve all spent outrageous amounts on alcohol on any given day, but are these bevvies even worth it? Here’s a definitive ranking of all the drinks you’ve likely had while standing in a field.
Cheers.
8. Captain Morgan 3.5%
Let’s kick things off with the literal spawn of Satan. Captain Morgan and Cola is usually a safe bet on a night out. Easy to get around, liked by everyone and the familiar taste of Cola reminds you of drinking LA Ice at your friends birthday party.
Captain Morgan 3.5% (or any mid-strength basic) on the other hand, is the creepy younger brother who gets brought to the party because their Mum’s concerned he keeps eating glue and speaking in Simlish.
The only reason this drink exists is to line the pockets of music festival promoters and give you a mild sugar high. Additionally, these little suckers pack an absolutely awful hangover, like literally top 5 worst hangovers you will ever experience. Fuck this drink and whoever created it. Rot in hell.
7. Literally Any Kind of Beer
There’s nothing more Australian then sitting on a grassy hill with your friends and toasting to the good times as sweet, sweet music fills your perfect little ears. Yet, there’s nothing LESS Australian than doing all those things with a mid-strength beer in hand. It’s just not right.
Every festival has a selection of beer, and it’s usually total shit. Cracking a Milton Mango was super quirky back in 2017 but nowadays the meme has subsided and you’re left with something that tastes like it’s been brewing in the tray of your mate's ute.
Sure, crack a couple when you first arrive to get you in the mood but show me any human being who says they enjoy drinking more than 2 beers at a festival and I’ll show you a goddamn liar.
6. Festival Cocktails
Any festival worth its salt will have some degree of cocktail offering and they’re all inexplicably linked to red bull and require a sacrifice of your firstborn child and $30 deposit before you can so much as sniff at one.
Look, they’re not awful and I’m sure some people out there have had some beauties over the years but downing these fruity concoctions is only going to wreck your wallet and make you feel shit.
If you’re the type of person who would drink these things all day then it’s very apparent that your parent’s paid for your ticket and you have a cripplingly low amount of social awareness.
5. Cider
I’ve never been a cider guy. Overwhelmingly sweet and often heavily processed, cider can be a bit of a gamble. That being said, if cider is usually your drink of choice and you feel comfortable knocking back a few green ants for an entire day, then go right ahead.
You could sure as hell do a lot better, but you could also do a lot worse. If that doesn’t summarise every single punter’s thought process when they spot a cutie pie on the way back to their tent, then I don’t know what does.
4. Smirnoff Pure And Soda
Once again, I have to confess I’m not a massive fan of drinking things that taste like static electricity but when it comes to Smirnoff Pure, I can respect the hustle.
This drink is perfect for smacking down in the hot sun, ultra-refreshing and with the added benefit of not being insanely sugary. It also gets points for coming in a tin, which allows for maximum efficiency when carrying drinks through a crowd and also does a great job of keeping things cold. Big yes from me.
3. Vodka Redbulls
Vodka Redbulls are a tricky one. On one hand, they are an absolute lifesaver during that lethargic stretch from 4 pm till 6.30 pm, however, they’re also incredibly likely to land you in hospital for heart failure.
The Vodka Redbull is a no-nonsense drink, you don’t stand around with it for half an hour and take little sippy sips like a dickhead. You immediately exit the drinks tent and scull however many you bought, throwing the useless paper cup into the nearest bin as you allow pure, unadulterated rage and passion to flow through your veins.
You are a sesh god, and chucking a Vodka Redbull in your chalice of doom enables you to do whatever you please.
Go forth and make terrible decisions my friend, just don’t walk too fast or you might legitimately die.
2. Jameson and Ginger Ale
If you ever rock up to a festival and they’re flogging these then congratulations, my friend, you’ve made it to the promised land.
These things really are the holy grail. Perfect for smashing all day and night, a beautifully designed can that’s a testament to minimalism and a genuinely great taste that you don’t get sick of after 3 drinks.
Plus, there’s the added benefit of ginger ale, which is scientifically proven to settle any sort of sesh stomach, and a hint of lime which really helps to counteract any adverse effects you’d get from the sweetness of the ginger ale.
If God himself came down to party with us mortals he’d be knocking these back like it was Jesus’ christening. An absolute 10/10 from me, you really can’t go wrong.
1. Water
Finally, the elixir of life and the source of everything pure and good in the world: water.
If someone at any point during a festival hands you a bottle of fresh, cold water then you’ve just made a new best friend. It is the giver of life and has the ability to resurrect even the most far-gone punter.
It keeps you alive, taste pretty fucking great and being able to refill for free means it is easily the most cost-efficient beverage on offer.
If you’ve ever been stuck in the mosh, afraid you’re about to pass out from pure buffoonery and spotted a cold fella heading your way then you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.
All praise to the most high. Love water and it will love you.
